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Callie Feyen

Help Thou Mine Unbelief

in Uncategorized on 21/04/21

Hadley has made the decision to become confirmed, and here is what I said at her confirmation:

This is our daughter, Hadley Grace. Her first name comes from Mr. Arthur Radley, otherwise known as “Boo” Radley, from Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird, and her middle name comes from my mom, Grace Ayanoglou Lewis. I suppose knowing Radley’s story gives us insight into what grace is and what it does, but the wonderful and mysterious thing about grace is you don’t have to be like Boo Radley – or anyone – in order to experience it. Grace is with you wherever you are and whoever you are. Sometimes it looks like love. Sometimes it looks like justice. Sometimes it’ll feel like a 70 degree day in February, and sometimes it’ll show up like snow in April.

Grace’s story, like Boo Radley’s, like yours, like everyone’s, is complicated and at times unbelievable, and so here are words from Lauren Winner that I’ve found helpful when grace and doubt, or grace and fear, or grace and sorrow make belief hard:

“I think of a story my friend Julian told me. She was twelve, and she was preparing to be confirmed. A few days before the confirmation service, she told her father – the pastor of the church – that she wasn’t sure she could go through with it. She didn’t know that she really believed everything she was supposed to believe, and she didn’t know that she should proclaim in front of the church that she was ready to believe it forever. ‘What you promise when you are confirmed,’ said Julian’s father, ‘is not that you will believe this forever. What you promise when you are confirmed is that that is the story you will wrestle with forever.’” (from Lauren F. Winner’s Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis

  May you always wrestle with this story, Hadley Grace. May you always wrestle with yourself, believing that it is in this grappling with the world and with others, that you are very much at home in grace. 

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Hi! I’m Callie. I’m a writer and teacher living in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I write Creative Nonfiction, and in my oldest daughter Hadley’s words, I “use my imagination to add a bit of sparkle to the story.” I’m a contributor for Coffee+Crumbs, Off the Page, Makes You Mom, and Relief Journal. My writing has also been featured on Art House America, Tweetspeak Poetry, Good Letters, and Altarwork, and in 2014 I was one of the cast members of the Listen To Your Mother DC show.

I hold an MFA in Creative Writing from Seattle Pacific University, and I am working on my first book that will be published through TS Poetry Press.

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When I was in fourth grade, I got my front tooth k When I was in fourth grade, I got my front tooth knock out during a baseball game. I was in the dugout, trying to make a butterfly in the dirt with my shoe. The batter, who’d hit not just a home run, but a grand slam, came running in and everyone cheered and so did I because I’d gotten really good at reading cues for when a good thing happens in sports. I even attempted a high five, and somehow I knocked my face into her batting helmet, thus spending the good part of that weekend summer day in the dentist’s office getting a root canal.

No teeth were lost in this latest incident, but I was lost in a bit of imagining on Sunday when I tripped and fell on Packard while running. I look like I’ve been in a bar fight and my shoulder looks similar to how Wesley’s looked after being attacked by an ROUS. 

But I’m going into work today, and when I told my boss I’m nervous about how I look she said, “It’s OK because you have a story,” and if that isn’t the best thing you could ever say to me, I’m not sure what is. 

So, here I am with a story. Thanks to all my friends and family who’ve been so kind and keeping me laughing.
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